So, I dunno, what am I suppose to feel going into the 4th decade of my life?
I think it’s mostly true that time, or at least the parsing of time, is a concept invented by man. I mean, sure the Earth goes around the sun and spins and all that Jazz, but any meaning ascribed to different parts of our lives is purely artificial. Who says we gotta start school at 7 (or is it 3 now?) and be in school for the next 15 years? Really a man’s life, biologically speaking, is birth, sexual maturity, and death. The next stage for me is death I guess. But that’s too grim. My point, and I assure you there is one, is that I’ve been quite concerned with the social expectations of age. As such, I’ve been suffering my Three-Oh anxiety for the past year and a half. Now that I’m really 30, there’s no actual change: I am still looking forward to getting laid, same as has been the past 15 years or so. It’s too early (knock on wood) to be anxious about (my) death, so what’s there to worry about now? Upon even a nanosecond of thought, there’s plenty to worry about, thank goodness. Life would be so empty and meaningless without troubling myself with things over which I have no control.
Financially I am nowhere, and I foresee no changes for the next little while. If I suffer brain damage from the lack of oxygen, I may decide to go into debt (i.e. buy a car), but until that happens I’m still gonna ride the suffocating public transport of Taipei. I am neither here nor there. I can’t afford a car, let alone a house. At the same time I have no immediate need for anything that really costs money. It’s like playing a game where your next boss would require you to level-grind for 15 hours when the game up to that point has only taken 36 minutes minus a bathroom break. Do you realize that does to one’s motivation? Let’s just say I’ve never finished a game with such a flawed design.
The first twenty years I was focused on growing up, the next ten I was focused on experiencing life. And the next 10? I’m lost, and I’ll admit I’m just waiting for an answer to fall into my lap (oh my god my mom’s right!). I can’t just suddenly be passionate about something though, right? And unfortunately somehow I’ve got this idea that I can’t just enjoy my day on a daily basis and not worry about anything long term. Whoever incepted (such a cool word after the movie) that idea in my mind is gonna get a hurt real bad.
Ok I got distracted and lost my train of thought.