Maybe what I need is a theme, a belief, something central to hold on to as I navigate life. Maybe then I wouldn’t be scrambling all the time, trying to tackle each and every little obstacle life throws at me as individuals.
Obstacles. The use of that word requires that I am getting somewhere, I think, otherwise I wouldn’t have things that get in my way. Trouble is, I don’t know what it is that I’m trying to get to, though, I do get the constant feeling that I’m not getting there.
So where am I going? What am I reaching for? The perfect life? I don’t think I have a picture of that. If you find one, then send it to me.
I think throughout my twenties I had been shaping my personality, to reach a sorta of balance in life. Shaping my desires, my comfort zone. Not that I made a conscious effort or knew what it was that I was doing, but in retrospect that’s what it looks like I was doing. I had established control. I had established how to interact with people, how to do shit on my own. I had learned how to shape my desires and wants in ways that fit my abilities, In my 30s it’s somewhat been shattered. I’ve never had people make demands of me, being the youngest in the family and having spent time abroad, left to my own devices. I know how to handle my own needs, but lack an understanding of how to do that for others. I’ve been reluctant to take up responsibilities that don’t pertain to myself, believing that everyone has at least the ability to survive, to get by. Now that I’m starting a family, it’s an important lesson I must learn in a hurry, to take on a family man’s responsibility. It means (I think) less and less of thinking about myself, of taking care of my needs, and rather more of my loving, expanding, family.
I still lack the mental toughness for the job.